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How To Start A Conversation With Girls Online [+ First Message Examples!]

Tired of matching with attractive women on apps like Tinder and OkCupid, but not getting any responses to your messages?

If you don’t know how to start a conversation with a girl online, you’re in for a frustrating experience.

You’re not going to meet any high quality matches if you can’t even get the conversation off the ground, right?

You have two options.

Hire someone to handle all the back-and-forth messaging for you, which practically guarantees you’ll meet the best local singles.

Or you can learn how to send messages that elevate you from the masses clamoring for her attention. Ready to boost your response rate?

Here’s a 4-step process you can use right now.

#1: Do A Little Recon

Scroll through her photos to get a feel for how she presents herself online. That will give you a glimpse into her personality, and you can use that intel to write an icebreaker message that will resonate with her.

For instance, if she’s rocking business casual in her primary profile pic, it’s fair to say she probably wants to be taken more seriously.

If she’s doing a cartwheel on the beach, you can go with a more lighthearted or funny first message. When your first message is in line with her personality, she’s more likely to feel an emotional connection right off the bat.

Emotional Connection.

Two very important words when it comes to boosting your response rate. If you don’t have that, you’re looking at an empty inbox. That’s why coming out the gate with messages like “Hey there” or “Wow you’re really pretty” rarely work.

She’s getting bombarded with messages like that on the daily, and they ceased to make her feel anything but bored a long time ago. If she’s got a bio, skim it for tidbits you can use to catch her attention. When your message makes her feel like you “get” her, she’s much more likely to respond.

Message Hack: If you’re short on time (and who isn’t?), use Copy/Paste messages that work for any woman you’re interested in! You’ll see some examples coming up, and you’ll find even more in this article.

#2: Break The Ice

no messages

The first message you send can make or break your chances of getting a date or her number.

If it doesn’t immediately grab her attention and make her want to respond, well - you already know what happens then, or you wouldn’t be reading this right now.

To successfully start an online dating conversation, you need a playful, fun, interesting-to-ponder conversation topic - and that’s where the research you did for the first step comes into play.

For instance, if she’s clearly an animal lover, send her a message like this:

online dating message example

If she’s got a pic of her hitting the slopes and skiing is a mutual interest, try a message like this:

message example

Most women mention travel in their profile, or at least enjoy thinking about a pleasant getaway. That’s why this message will work for just about anyone:

how to start an online dating conversation

If you’re on a dating site with a keyword search feature , you can search user profiles who meet your basic criteria for certain keywords (like “skiing,” “travel,” or “animal lover” in the examples above). Then just send the message to any of them who intrigue you!

match keyword message example

You can send messages like these to dozens of women very quickly, and they still feel personalized, like you wrote the message just for her.

Experiment with different messages, or use some of these proven icebreakers. When you find ones that work for you, use them again and again.

Here are some “first message” tips to keep in mind:

Ask a question.

message fail

This is a simple trick that a ton of guys don’t do. Asking a question makes it much easier for her to respond, because she doesn’t have to come up with something to write. You’ve given the conversation a direction - all she has to do is answer you. The easier you make it to reach out, the higher the chances she will.

Highlight a mutual interest.

Women tend to feel more at ease with people who remind them of themselves, and one of the best ways to do that is finding common ground. Asking about a shared interest will make her more likely to respond to your message.

Make a good first impression.

Little details like correct spelling and grammar matter - a lot. According to research done by the Wall Street Journal, poor grammar and spelling errors are the biggest turnoff for online daters.

Don’t comment on her physical appearance.

Tinder opener that doesn't work

You want to stand out from the crowd, not sound like every other guy who messaged her today. “Wow ur hot” doesn’t fly. She knows she’s attractive, she doesn’t need a reminder from you too.

Keep it simple.

Women get a ton of messages on dating sites and apps, especially the more attractive ones. If you write line after line hoping to impress her with your dedication to the written word, chances are she won’t read to the end, much less respond.

“Short but intriguing” is the way to go.

#3: If at first you don’t succeed...

Give it one more shot. You don’t know why she didn’t respond - maybe her meeting started and she forgot to come back to it. Whatever the reason, it pays to follow up.

On dating apps like Tinder and Bumble, the pace of messaging is faster. If she doesn’t respond, send her another message the next day. On a dating site like or OkCupid, not checking in every day isn’t unusual. You can wait 2 or 3 days to send it.

Your follow up message needs to strike a balance between showing genuine interest and not sounding desperate. Try a light-hearted message like this one:

message to send if she doesn't respond

If she still doesn’t respond, it’s best to let it go and focus your efforts elsewhere. Sending 3+ unanswered messages makes you look desperate, and that’s not attractive.

#4: Maintain The Momentum

After she replies to your icebreaker, you mission is to keep the conversation rolling towards a date. A typical message exchange will be these steps repeated in sequence until you feel like she’s ready to say “yes” to moving things offline:

  1. Acknowledge her answer to your question.
  2. Briefly answer it yourself - information should flow both ways.
  3. Ask another question.

Treat every message like an opportunity to showcase a positive quality or trait of yours. That’s the way to build up attraction, which is the whole point, right?

For example, it’s pretty common for a woman to ask about your weekend plans. That’s the perfect example to show her you have an active, social life. You could mention a physical activity like hiking or running, joining family for a backyard BBQ, or meeting friends for tapas.

See how each one of those activities communicates an attractive quality, like being physically fit and close with your family?

When you feel like she’s “into” you, it’s time to ask her out. Don’t worry - we’ve got a step-by-step article for that too, from recognizing the signs that she’s ready to meet you to how you should ask her out online!

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