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Starting A Conversation On Tinder [& How To Keep It Going!]
Has the excitement of a new Tinder match ever been quickly replaced by the frustration of not knowing what to say? Or perhaps you've found yourself in a promising conversation that just suddenly fizzles out, leaving you back at square one.
That’s why you’re looking for Tinder conversation tips, right?
You've come to the best place. A successful Tinder conversation all boils down to strategy, and that’s exactly what this guide is all about.
VIDA Select's dating experts have been managing Tinder for clients since the app launched way back in 2012. We've sent hundreds of thousands of Tinder messages, so we're well versed in the fine art of starting a conversation and keeping a conversation flowing toward a date.
You’ll get actionable steps and real screenshot examples for all 3 stages of a Tinder conversation, from the very first message you send to how (and when) to ask her out. Everything you're about to read is based on 10+ years of real-world, hands-on experience. Ready to take your Tinder game to the next level?
Tinder Conversation Guide Table of Contents
Start from the beginning, or simply click on which conversation stage you need help navigating!
Stage 1: Starting A Tinder Conversation
Women tend to get bombarded with messages on Tinder, and if she’s attractive she’s getting that much more attention.
You need to cut through all that clutter in her message queue, and here’s the best way to do it.
Spark an emotional response with your Tinder opener.
When your icebreaker makes her feel something, you’ve created an instant connection - and that makes it more likely she’ll invest her time in a reply.
This is why messages like “hey” or “hi” tend to fail so hard with interesting, intriguing women.
She gets messages like that constantly, and it was boring the first time. No emotional response = no bond. (And no reply!)
So what does a successful Tinder conversation starter look like?
Who doesn’t enjoy thinking about dessert?
Adventure is a great way to spice up a Tinder message exchange.
A fun twist on “what are you up to this weekend.”
Travel is a go-to Tinder chat topic because most women love it, or at the very least daydreaming about it.
Humor + creativity is usually a winning combo.
The Secret To Starting A Tinder Conversation
Sending a message like “Hey” or “You’re hot” on a dating app doesn’t give the conversation any direction, so unless you’re the next Ryan Gosling she has no real incentive to participate in it.
Just like when you’re approaching an attractive woman at a party, you need to entice her into chatting, and lame pick-up lines or a cheesy compliment just won't cut it.
So make it easier for her to engage with you by giving her a question to answer in your conversation starters, just like in all the examples you just read.
Here are 3 more tips for starting a great conversation:
- Use her first name. Seeing your name in print has an almost magnetic pull, so she’s more likely to focus on that message first.
- Send it when she’s most likely to see it. Tinder’s activity peaks around 9 pm, or you can hop on during a Swipe Surge.
- Pay attention to the details. Grammar, punctuation, correct spelling - you want to make a good first impression, and poor grammar is a mood killer.
What happens if she doesn’t respond to your opening message?
Send another one!
The key to success here is keeping things light.
The last thing you want to do on Tinder is look desperate or needy, so a casual follow up like this is perfect...
GIFs are an ideal way to get your point across in a humorous way, with the added bonus of jumping out in her inbox.
But if it's still crickets after your second attempt to start a conversation, it’s generally best to move on and focus your efforts on someone more receptive.
Consider keeping track of which icebreakers get the best response rate for you, as some will work better for different age groups.
While it may seem a bit tedious, collecting that data in the beginning will save you time in the long run as you’ll be able to pinpoint which tinder openers perform best for you, and stick to those.
You can use your own spreadsheet tracking method, or our handy response rate calculator.
Stage 2: Keeping A Tinder Conversation Going
Your Tinder icebreaker was successful - she responded!
Now comes the even trickier part - keeping her interested long enough to move things off the app.
Don’t worry - we’ve got a simple formula for keeping the momentum going that works on any online dating site or app:
The "AAA" strategy is effective for several reasons:
- Referencing her reply lets her know you’re paying attention to what she has to say.
- Providing your own answer makes it feel less like a job interview, and more like a two-way info exchange. Remember, she wants to learn something about you, too.
- Asking her questions shows you’re genuinely interested in learning more about her.
- Taking the lead in the conversation shows confidence, and that’s an attractive trait.
- Answering a question is easier than coming up with an idea for something new to say. And on Tinder, convenience is essential.
This actual Tinder conversation example shows what this strategy looks like out in the wild...
If only every conversation on Tinder flowed that smoothly!
So what do you when it doesn’t?
Roadblock: You Can’t Think Of Any Good Questions To Ask Her
Use one of these for inspiration:
You may need to add a little context first. You want to make sure your question fits the flow of the conversation.
Roadblock: She Responds, But In A Negative Way
While it may seem like a problem, look at it this way - she still took the time to send a message, right?
You just need to move the conversation in a different direction.
In the real Tinder conversation above, she drops the b-word. Boring. It’s the kiss of death on Tinder, and you need to rally - stat.
If your previous question(s) were more on the chatty small talk side, switch modes and ask her something more substantive:
See how this conversation still follows the basic “AAA” strategy you just learned?
Acknowledge her answer, answer the question yourself with a personal tidbit so she learns something intriguing about you, and ask another question.
Every conversation will be different, but this formula can be applied consistently.
Roadblock: She Keeps Going Radio Silent
This is frustrating, and frustratingly common. It’s also one of the reasons it’s good to get her number sooner rather than later, or some other contact details to move things off this popular dating app and onto a more personal platform where she’s less likely to ghost.
But until then, use the follow up message strategy from Stage 1 as needed. You can send a cute gif to reignite a stalled Tinder conversation, or some call back humor that references your preceding message.
Here is an actual Tinder conversation where this particular roadblock pops up, and examples of how to handle it like a pro...
Notice how the acknowledge/answer/ask formula is used in each message? Just follow those steps and you’ll be messaging like a pro in no time.
Stage 3: How To Ask Her Out On Tinder
There is no magical number of messages you need to exchange before asking for a date/phone number.
Instead, take your cues from how she’s responding, and that will let you know when the time is right:
If you’re not seeing any of those signs yet, keep following the messaging formula from Stage 2 until you’ve generated more attraction.
When the time feels right to ask her out online, there are two ways to go about it:
- Ask for her number, or an alternate way to contact her like FB or WhatsApp
- Ask her to meet you in person
Whether you’re going for a date or the digits, frame your “ask” by putting her in the right mindset.
You can accomplish that by...
Including A Statement She’s Likely To Agree With
Here’s an example, from the conversation with Suzie above:
Most (if not all) women would agree with the highlighted statement, so she’s already thinking “yes.”
Once she’s agreed, it’s just a matter of working out the details:
Notice in both message examples above she’s given a choice? That’s no coincidence.
The Tinder experts at VIDA analyze data on just about everything, and we’ve found giving her an option doubles the acceptance rate.
By contrast, internal data shows only asking to grab drinks torpedos the acceptance rate by half.
You’ll also want to give her options for the day and time. Offering a few suggestions shows confidence, and it doesn’t leave her feeling like she’s got to now plan the date you just asked her out on.
Here are a few more tips for asking her out the right way on apps like Tinder:
- Stick with “low investment” activities like coffee or cocktails. Since you’re essentially a complete stranger, she may be wary of committing the few hours dinner or a movie would require. If things are going great, you can always suggest another activity like grabbing some appetizers.
- If she’s in her mid-30s and up, don’t be afraid to call it a “date.” Younger women often respond better to suggesting a “meet up” because it doesn’t sound so serious. But if she’s not in her 20s, she’s more likely to be seeking a serious relationship, so a “date” is exactly what she’s looking for.
- Always suggest meeting somewhere public. While it may seem romantic to cook her dinner and more chivalrous to pick her up, most women are far too safety minded to do that. Stick with neutral surroundings and separate transportation until you know each better.
Starting To Wish You Could Just Skip Straight To The Dates?
You’ve got all the tools you need to have successful Tinder conversations, plus some do’s and don’ts to keep in mind. Now the question is, do you have the time to implement them?
If you’re like the average guy, expect to spend around 90 minutes a day on Tinder. All that time adds up to the tune of 10 ½ hours a week!
And while you’re investing all that time applying these strategies to all your Tinder conversations, you’re probably damaging your self esteem in the process - especially if you’re still not getting the results you want.
Remember - Tinder isn’t just about messaging skills. Your profile and photos also need to be on point if you want to meet the very best women in your area.
Why not save yourself a ton of time and frustration, and let VIDA handle Tinder for you? Messaging, profile, photos - our dating experts do it all. And not just for Tinder, for any dating site or app you’d like to use!
Click here to find out how easy it is to meet the woman of your dreams!
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